Bizarre Laws, Vol. I

• Alabama: It is illegal for a white man to watch the UPN network (UPN still exists down there).
• Alaska: If your dogsled has fewer than nine (9) dogs, you are allowed to whip each dog up to nine (9) times each.
• Arizona: Citizens must comment on the dryness of the air every hour, on the hour.
• Arkansas: The only law on record is that Bill Clinton has the power of eminent domain over all homes, schools, and outhouses.
• California: If you see a celebrity, you are not allowed to make eye contact. This applies to all non-celebs, even optometrists.
• Colorado: You must spend 40 hours a week outdoors. If you only spend 30 hours outside, but barefoot, it totally counts.
• Connecticut: You are required to wear all white when golfing or playing tennis.
• Delaware: There’s no sales tax, but a substantial tax is placed on blue hen farmers (Blue hens don’t exist, so it doesn’t really matter. Much like Delaware.)
• Florida: You must either be over 65 or successfully wrestle an alligator in order to move here.
• Georgia: Residents are required to consume a gallon of sweet tea daily.
• Hawaii: When someone says “Aloha,” you must make sure whether it meant hello or goodbye before responding accordingly with “Aloha.”
• Idaho: Citizens must learn to count by counting the eyes of a potato, or else they are not allowed to count at all.
• Illinois: Before you are sentenced to prison, you must first be sworn in as governor and/or state congressperson.
• Indiana: You are required to wear an ugly sweater seven (7) months out of the year. Wearing a mock turtleneck underneath qualifies you for a handsome tax break.
• Iowa: Residents cannot not include corn in every meal. Corn Flakes are the state’s official breakfast. Frosted Flakes, however, are banned for not being bland enough.
• Kansas: It is illegal to listen to the band Kansas past 11 p.m. because the state is jealous that the band is more famous.
• Kentucky: The larger the hat a woman wears, the richer the cousin she can marry. Many horse jockeys are products of strategic incestuous breeding.
• Louisiana: Residents must hold a jazzy funeral march for the deceased, no matter how much they hate the dead bastard.
• Maine: Each citizen must catch five (5) lobsters per week, or they are sentenced to a night in the “haunted” lighthouse. It’s not really haunted, just inhabited by some creepy guy named Stephen King.
• Maryland: When crabbing, if a crab you catch challenges you to a game of lacrosse, you must accept the challenge or release the crab.
• Massachusetts: If you’re a witch or a Yankees fan, you must bathe in clam chowder for two (2) consecutive weeks in order for your life to be spared.
• Michigan: Those from the Upper Peninsula and the Lower Peninsula must meet at least once a year for a tug-of-war, which takes place over the Straits of Mackinac.
• Minnesota: Swearing is punishable by up to $50,000 in fines. The words “crap” and “arse” can be said with the proper license.
• Mississippi: Citizens must learn to spell Mississippi before they are permitted to wear shoes.
• Missouri: Visitors’ memories must be erased immediately before leaving the state.
• Montana: You are jailed immediately if you laugh at the name of the city of Butte.
• Nebraska: Citizens must insure their Omaha steaks with Mutual of Omaha.
• Nevada: You can hire a prostitute tax-free on your birthday.
• New Hampshire: Speaking of old Hampshire in any way is punishable by flogging.
• New Jersey: It is not an official law to be just horrible, but it’s strongly encouraged.
• New Mexico: If a house is not made of pueblo, arson is completely legal.
• New York: It is illegal to speak highly of the city of Buffalo.
• North Carolina: Citizens without tar on their heels are fair game to get rocks thrown at them.
• North Dakota: The film Fargo must be played on a loop during all indoor get-togethers.
• Ohio: It is illegal to chop down a buckeye tree unless it is a sacrifice to the football gods.
• Oklahoma: The musical Oklahoma! must be met with feigned enthusiasm by all citizens, regardless of their taste in musical theater.
• Oregon: Euthanasia is a mandatory 80^th birthday gift.
• Pennsylvania: It is required of all residents to fill one (1) pothole every winter, lest  a groundhog emerges and elongates the season.
• Rhode Island: You are to act as if it is actually an island, or else you’re forced to pretend to drown on the state line.
• South Carolina: Citizens must secede from the Union whenever the Gamecocks lose.
• South Dakota: It is illegal to park on Indian burial grounds, because, come on, that is just plain rude.
• Tennessee: Residents must know at least every other word to every Elvis or Dolly Parton song. Even the B-sides.
• Texas: You must declare everything you bring into the state, so they can put it through a machine that makes it bigger.
• Utah: If you don’t have at least two (2) wives by the time you’re 40, you are required to register as a “heathen” and wear a sign around your neck saying so.
• Vermont: Citizens must either grow a beard or shave with maple syrup. Also, it is highly illegal to eat Häagen-Dazs.
• Virginia: Every male child’s middle name must be George or Washington; female children’s middle names must be either Thomas or Jefferson.
• Washington: On days that it doesn’t rain, residents must mow their lawns twice.
• West Virginia: When a resident acquires a hole in his or her jeans, he or she is allowed to begin wearing them.
• Wisconsin: Breast milk is illegal, unless it is from a cow or badger.
• Wyoming: Bears must wear a tie if they wish to carry a picnic basket.
• District of Columbia: There is a strict no-tolerance policy when it comes to shooting at or near the President.